How to Avoid Triangulating In Families

If you have ever felt torn between two people, you might have been experiencing relationship triangulation.

Triangulation is a relationship dynamic that occurs when there is conflict between two people in a relationship and either or both of them get another person involved in the relationship to try to relieve the distress of that conflict (Buchanan & Waizenhofer, 2001). The most commonly cited example of triangulation is that of children being drawn into disputes between parents. However, it can happen anywhere three people have relationships with each other.

The key characteristics of triangulation to understand are that the people in the primary relationship are not effectively addressing their relationship challenges. So they instead turn to a third party, who then has to contend with the negative energy in the primary relationship.

Triangulation in Research

The field of psychology does not see triangulation as an inherently negative or harmful process. In fact, some degree of triangulation is inevitable wherever there are relationships. If a relationship between two people becomes strained and cannot fix itself, the people involved will look to people outside the relationship for support (Titelman, 2008). This can be a very adaptive process, as the people in the relationship may be able to return to that primary relationship with more insight, patience, and energy for seeking resolution (Bowen, 1978).

Triangulation becomes unhealthy or harmful when it becomes long-lasting or when it goes beyond the bounds of what are healthy relationship behaviors for the people involved.

Triangulation in the Family

Most research on triangulation has taken place within the context of families, which makes a lot of sense when we consider how intensely close most familial relationships are. Research tells us that certain families are more at risk of ending up in triangulating patterns. For example, families where there is not much cohesion among family members, one or more parents are depressed, or teenagers are experiencing mental health challenges seem to be at higher risk of experiencing triangulation (McCauley & Fosco, 2022).

Unfortunately, once triangulation has set in, plenty of negative outcomes are likely for the children involved. We know that teenagers who are drawn into their parents’ conflicts in this way are at risk of more mood symptoms, behavioral issues, difficulties communicating in friendships, and conflict with parents, siblings, and peers (Benson et al., 1993; Buchanan & Waizenhofer, 2001; Buehler et al., 2009; Fosco et al., 2014). As they experience more triangulation, children come to see themselves as partially at fault for the conflict and become more sensitive to parental conflict (Fosco & Grych, 2010).

Concerningly, these patterns can be passed down through generations. Families where emotions run high and are not managed well or are barely addressed at all, as well as families where healthy boundaries are not maintained among family members, are more likely to feature triangulation and to feature children who grow up to engage in triangulation as adults (Peleg, 2014).

To Sum It Up

Most of us have probably been on the receiving end of some degree of triangulation, whether it comes from two of our friends or two of our family members. If you find yourself involved in some kind of triangulation, it may be helpful to consider what unmet needs exist in the main relationship. Rather than forcing another person to get involved to sort it out, can the two parties work in a different way to find a compromise? Can they seek professional help if the conflict keeps going? We all need to be able to rely on others—but only within healthy limits.

References

● Benson, M. J., Larson, J., Wilson, S. M., & Demo, D. H. (1993). Family of origin influences on late adolescent romantic relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 663–672.

● Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson Inc.

● Buchanan, C. M., & Waizenhofer, R. (2001). The impact of interparental conflict on adolescent children: Considerations of family systems and family structure. In A. Booth, A. C. Crouter, & M. Clements (Eds.), Couples in conflict (pp. 149–160). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

● Buehler, C., Franck, K. L., & Cook, E. C. (2009). Adolescents' triangulation in marital conflict and peer relations. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 19(4), 669–689.

● Fosco, G. M., & Grych, J. H. (2010). Adolescent triangulation into parental conflicts: Longitudinal implications for appraisals and adolescent‐parent relations. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(2), 254–266.

● Fosco, G. M., Lippold, M., & Feinberg, M. E. (2014). Interparental boundary problems, parent–adolescent hostility, and adolescent–parent hostility: A family process model for adolescent aggression problems. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(3), 141–155.

● McCauley, D. M., & Fosco, G. M. (2022). Family and individual risk factors for triangulation: Evaluating evidence for emotion coaching buffering effects. Family Process, 61(2), 841–857.

● Peleg, O. (2014). The relationships between stressful life events during childhood and differentiation of self and intergenerational triangulation in adulthood. International Journal of Psychology, 49(6), 462–470.

● Titelman, P. (2008). The concept of triangulation in the context of Bowen theory. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Triangulation: Bowen family systems theory perspectives (pp. 16–41). Haworth